A lot to think about

This post has been taking me a long time to write, I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about, I wanted to give an update on new important events happening in my post cancer world (the fun never stops) and also how I'm coping with life after treatment.  This is the problem, moving on is such a confusing time, which is why it's taken me so long to write about it. I don't know where to start.  I'll start with the update and then I'll try to explain the confusion.

UPDATE

As I'm under 40 and my breast cancer was a type known as 'triple negative' I qualified for genetic testing.  I went to the Genetics department in November for a session with Penny, the lovely genetic counseller and I agreed for them to take some blood which was sent off for testing.  In January I got the results and found out that my breast cancer wasn't as a result of a faulty BRCA gene.  I am relieved that I now don't have to consider having my 'good' boob chopped off and eventually my ovaries removed.  I'm also pleased that the rest of my family don't have to get tested too.  So my 'early onset' breast cancer remains unexplained for now, shitty odds I guess??  The hospital have asked me to take part in a further genetic research project as my Grandmother on my Mum's side had colon cancer at a young age and they think that there could be some significance in this.

I've also been to see my surgeon recently to discuss options for permanent reconstruction. My expander implant is only a temporary solution, although I have become very attached to it.  I've almost made a decision , I think I'm going to opt for a procedure that uses muscle and tissue from my back to make me a super new boob.  However, it will mean another long operation, another stay in hospital, another month of not driving. More scars, more drains and maybe a catheter if I'm lucky!  Having been back at work for almost a year now I'll certainly be glad of the enforced bed-rest, I still have series 5 of Breaking Bad to get through.  I know it will be some short term pain for long term gain, but I'm still nervous about it.  It will be at the same hospital and on the same ward where I was for my mastectomy.  I'll be certain to do a nice gory blog post, with lots of pictures of horrible drains and stuff...

CONFUSION (warning...I talk about people dying from cancer, me included)

A lot has been going on in my little brain recently (the bit of my brain that's not thinking about nail varnish and Royal Blood that is....). My online cancer group has lost some members in the past couple of weeks to this horrible disease. One in particular has been difficult to deal with, as it was a lovely girl called Claire who I met at a YBCN lunch in Leicester back in September.  She was only diagnosed in April last year and already she's gone, at the age of 30 without even having a chance at getting her life back after treatment or a reprieve from the horribleness of chemo. News like this gets me locked in a spiral of guilt, I feel extremely sad that someone has been lost to cancer, I feel scared because I know this could very well be me at some point, I worry about dying, I feel guilty for being selfish and thinking about my own prognosis when I'm fit and well....this goes on repeat...and repeat.

Everyone in my position who is successfully treated for a primary cancer is painfully aware that cancer is a horrible disease that likes to make a comeback.  I know my percentage chances of surviving 5 & 10 years from diagnosis, they're not the best due to my original tumour being large, aggressive and 'triple negative' (no hormone treatment the doctors can give me). The odds could be a hell of a lot worse though, and for that I'm grateful.  It's such a confusing thing to think about how long I might have left, I can't make up my mind.  Should I act like I only have a couple of years to live? Sell my house, go off travelling, cram in as much as possible? Or should I pretend like cancer never happened? Pay into my pension, plan sensibly for the future?  I'm trying to muddle through at the moment, hoping that I make the right choices.

I was 35 at the time of diagnosis, I had not long split up with my long term boyfriend, I don't have any children.  My life was not going in any particular direction, I was hoping that I would meet a lovely man, get married, have some lovely children, then cancer popped up just to make these things even harder.  I spent months shuffling around in my 'chemo coat' and a woolly hat trying not to look like a cancer patient, and definitely not in a position to do anything proactive about meeting my future husband.  Who would want me anyway? (is what I thought) with my odd boobs, short hair and hours of hilarious cancer anecdotes??  I have since found out that there are some super, super men out there that really don't give a shit about any of the above and actually think I'm quite amazing to have coped with it all.
 
Anyway, this doesn't make the 'life choices' bit of my brain any easier to navigate, it's all tinged with cancer worry now.  I'm not 100% sure I'm still fertile, my periods returned in October which was an encouraging sign , they're not that regular yet but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.  I now have all the same concerns and worries of a normal 37 year old single woman, just with the added bonus of cancer worries on top.  So when everyone else around you thinks you're treatment is over and you're 'fixed', it's quite the opposite in fact.  You're still coping with the psychological fallout, because whether you like it or not cancer has changed the way you think, there's literally no escaping it.  I've been refused life insurance, I have to buy special travel insurance, I worry about getting my 5 a day, I drink green tea, I wonder about parabens everytime I buy shampoo, am I consuming too much caffeine, alcohol, sugar, soya, processed foods? Should I be getting more exercise, will I get lymphodema?  How long have I had this cough? Why is my hip hurting? Why do I have a headache?  AAAAAaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!

Happy Birthday to me! 

A big warm and fuzzy Christmas thankyou

Last Saturday I spent a lovely afternoon with five amazing women that I would never have met if I hadn't had breast cancer. Actually, over the past year, there are a lot of lovely moments I would not have had if I hadn't had cancer.

The last year has been scary, the treatment has been unpleasant but I have been genuinely touched by the kindness and compassion I've received from everyone I know, quite literally, everyone.  So I am dedicating this blog to all those people. It might make you want to puke in places, but hey, it's the season of goodwill so I'm spreading some, I am learning from first hand experience that life is too short to leave these things unsaid!

After I was diagnosed, I took four days off work to get my head around things and then went back to work full time until I started chemo a few weeks later. I'm naturally one of those people who gets stuck for words in difficult situations, I wouldn't have had a clue what to say to me when I turned up on that Monday so I could understand that I might have some awkward encounters, but there were none.  Everyone in my office was so kind and supportive, I couldn't have asked for a more friendly working environment for those few weeks.  When I returned to work after treatment I had to have a chat with an occupational health nurse, she warned me that my colleagues might have a difficult time knowing how to talk to me about my illness or treatment, so I had to set her straight and explain that I had already been back in work after my diagnosis and that everyone had been fine and really supportive. Maybe it's a generational thing? Perhaps my generation are more honest, open and compassionate?

A big thankyou to the people at work who complimented me on my hair, without knowing it was a wig, and then those who complimented me on my haircut without knowing I had just stopped wearing my wig!  This has led to some very funny moments, and in all honesty I would be more offended if nobody noticed.

Right after my diagnosis when I was feeling my most scared was the time when I felt most loved, my family were so supportive, all of my best friends got in touch to say how much they cared. My best friend Helen couldn't do enough for me.  I have read accounts of other people who go through a cancer diagnosis where they lose touch with some friends who find it difficult to deal with the situation. Again, it's not something I can identify with, none of my friends have treated me like this.  If anything, I have more friends and am closer to some people than I was before cancer.

Half way through my treatment I found out about a Facebook group specifically for younger women with a breast cancer diagnosis.  This has been my lifeline, and the most unexpectedly awesome thing to come from this horrible experience. Having cancer and treatment when you're young(ish) can be such an isolating experience, but since I've been a member of YBCN I've never felt isolated. We chat, ask questions, offer advice and support, it's brilliant.  When I chat about my cancer experience to people I'll often refer to 'other women'.... These are the other younger women on YBCN, whose posts I read every day. It helps to know the way I feel and the way I have approached my treatment are completely normal.  I'm spending New Year's Eve with some lovely people I've met through YBCN, a fitting end to 2014!

It was reading the stories of others online that inspired me to start writing this blog, which in itself has been such a lovely, positive experience.  Something I never imagined I would be doing before I had cancer.

I'm looking forward to 2015, I've not had a wobble over buying a new diary this time. There are plenty more blogs to come, as much as I'd love to put cancer behind me forever I'm waiting on results of my genetics test and I need to have another operation for reconstruction at some point soon.

But in the meantime, Happy New Year and thank you xxxx