The one where my hair falls out...

Exactly two weeks after my first chemo my hair started to fall out.  I knew it was definitely going to happen but the prospect of losing my hair didn't bother me, which is weird as I'm a pretty image conscious person and I love my hair, although I have changed it a lot in the past, long, short, brown, blond...perhaps it was because I wasn't scared to rock a different look for a few months? 

I didn't really have much of an idea how it would happen when it did, until I got out of bed one morning and saw that there were quite a lot of hairs on my pillow, not a lot, just a few more than normal.  During the day I noticed that more hairs were starting to gather around my collar, and if I pulled a few strands of my hair they came away without resistance, it was a very strange feeling.  The next day it was a bit worse, when I brushed my hair, loads came out in my brush, if I washed it even more came out.  All this shedding happened in the space of about 4 days, so I stopped washing and brushing it, straightening was also completely abandoned.  After the 4th day I decided my hair looked so shit I decided to take control and shave it all off.  (This is where I have to thank Stephen Hayes, who kindly lent me the clippers with which the deed was done).  I sat on a chair in the kitchen and Mum started by pulling out clumps of hair, a fistful at a time because we thought this would make it easier to shave, then my sister took control of the clippers and shaved my head so it was nice and even.  That was it, the one and only time I had to shave it whilst on treatment, until about May this year I had no hair, I had a great collection of hats and scarves that I wore out and about, and a very realistic looking wig that we nicknamed Polly.  This is me the day we shaved my hair off.

After my first four cycles of chemo my Oncologist switched me onto a different drug, this came with another load of horrible side effects.  But what distressed me the most was that this one made my eyelashes and eyebrows fall out.  Up until now I had been able to scrub up OK with some make up and my wig on, if I met up with friends or went out for dinner I looked pretty normal.  The picture below is of me with my sisters, after three cycles of chemo.  Looking OK!!

I now looked like a cancer patient and I hated it, I had to spend a long time with liquid eyeliner and eyebrow pencils trying to create the illusion of normality. I didn't want the tell-tale signs to show, and the looks of pity when people notice.  Once my chemo finished I was on constant eyelash watch, inspecting twice a day for any signs of growth with a bright light and magnifying mirror.  Not a day goes by that I put on my mascara without rejoicing in the re-appearance of my eyelashes. 

Obviously, hair loss isn't the only side effect of chemo, there are so many weird and horrible things that happen as a result of the drugs.  Some last a few days, some last for months afterwards.  The first week was always the worst when you have no energy and all the side effects are at their peak, then you gradually start to feel better.  I always thought it so cruel that just when you feel back to 'normal' is when you go back to the hospital for another dose of the nasty stuff.  I would have all my energy back, I could taste again, I would be bounding up the stairs to the chemo suite for my Oncology appointment the day before chemo, sad in the knowledge that in a few days time I would hardly have the energy to get out of bed. 

OTHER WEIRD SIDE EFFECTS

• It's common knowledge that you lose your head hair as a result of chemo, but you really do lose ALL your hair.... armpits, eyebrows, eyelashes, nose hairs ...lady garden.  I felt like a baby; bald and chubby.
• Some chemo drugs can cause your nails to fall off, the second of my big toe nails has just come off and I'm 7 months post chemo.  
• The anti sickness drugs have their own set of lovely side effects,  you're sent home from the hospital with a massive bag of drugs to take for several days...they caused chronic indigestion and constipation, you then need more drugs to make these go away, I had to download an app to keep track of all the tablets, potions and injections!
• Taking a whole pharmacy's worth of drugs on top of the chemo means you can't concentrate properly, I imagined on good days that I'd be happily working my way though Breaking Bad or some other gritty box set.  Some days I didn't have the energy or motivation to change channels on the TV let alone anything else.
• Everything you eat tastes like hairspray for about a week.  Even cups of tea! You crave savoury food as a result, like when you're hungover.  I think I ate my own body weight in baby bels and mini cheddars. 
• I had tingly hands and feet, (posh word for this is peripheral neuropathy) it can last for ages. I still have slightly numb feet months later.
• The drugs that made my whole body ache have left me with creaky knees, so no more attempting to 'slut drop' on the dance floors of Leicester, believe me, I tried it and had to bail out halfway down!

The worst I suffered on chemo was when I had new drugs on my fifth cycle, the chemo gave me such bad stomach pains and joint aches I could hardly eat or sleep for two days, at least I was able to plan my weeks of hibernation after each chemo so that only my family saw me when I felt really bad. One morning really sticks in my memory from that time, I looked awful, with my bald cancer patient face, I had shuffled my aching body downstairs to the kitchen, I was sat at the table eating my breakfast when my nose started bleeding, I just grabbed a tissue and carried on eating... I must have appeared so sickly and pathetic, I don't know how my Mum looked at me that morning without crying. The photos below were only taken a couple of weeks apart after I finished chemo, what a difference a wig and a bit of make up can make!