Saturday 30 May 2015

Diagnosis #2 cancer comes back

I've wanted to write another update for days now but I've not been able to find the right words. So I've decided there are no right words because all the words to describe my latest diagnosis are wrong and scary but most of all just bloody depressing.  This is my problem, I want people that care about me to know what's happening but I don't want anyone to be sad for me, I'm not upset, I don't cry and I don't want anyone else to either.

I now have secondary breast cancer, otherwise called metastatic breast cancer or stage IV cancer.  It's when cancer cells from the original breast tumour spread around the body to other areas, I have cancer cells in the lymph nodes of my chest and neck and also in my liver.  This type of cancer is incurable.  The terminology in the cancer world is very specific, I'm not 'terminally ill', the way it is viewed at this point is similar to having a chronic illness where my condition can be stabilised or controlled for some time through medical treatment. Nobody can predict right now the amount of time I'll have, it depends on how well I respond to the wonderful drugs the NHS have on offer.

Since my last post I have now met with my lovely new oncologist and have a treatment plan.  First step is more chemo, I'll be having weekly doses of Paclitaxel via IV infusion, starting on Tuesday.  It's a lower dose than the chemo I had before and it's given on a weekly basis, I've been told that the side effects should be minimal and my immunity to infection won't be as low as when I had chemo before.  I'm hoping to be able to continue working, just on reduced hours and more importantly keep seeing all my friends and family as much as I possibly can.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be well enough to make it to Latitude Festival in July.

I'm taking part in a clinical trial for this next round of treatment, it's to test a new targeted therapy drug along with the chemo. There's still a 50/50 chance I will get the placebo instead of the real drug but it means my response to treatment is going to be closely monitored over the next few months, more so than if I wasn't on the trial.  My Oncologist is also sending me for more gene testing, as I'm young with triple negative breast cancer it's likely to be a genetic fault that has caused me to be susceptible but not one of the main BRCA genes I've already been tested for.

So that's the sciencey bit over with.  Coming to terms with my new situation has been surreal, I always thought I would lose control if this ever happened and have to live out the rest of my days high on Valium.  It's all felt weirdly calm and after a week spent with my family I went back to work. I have just been carrying on as normal, pretending like nothing happened.  At the moment there are two things I'm very grateful for: going to the doctors as soon as I found the lump above my collarbone and then delaying getting my results until after my trip to Paris.  I had an amazing time, even cancer couldn't ruin it.

I'm sorry for the downbeat nature of this blog, I had an overwhelming desire to spell out the facts first  and then I'll follow up with the most sickeningly, life affirming blogs you've ever read.  I promise! 

Me and my wonderful friends in Paris, nearly 20 years of good times and lots more to come ! 

Thursday 7 May 2015

Not the news I was hoping for...

It wasn't good news at the hospital today.  After all the tests I've had, my surgeon confirmed that there is evidence of cancer in my lymph nodes along with 'areas of concern' now showing in my liver.

I have an appointment with Oncology on Wednesday to discuss my new treatment plan.  I'm assuming this will be more chemo.  There's not much else to report at the moment, I'm just dealing with it one step at a time. I went to the hospital with my parents so I had all the support I could have wished for today, they have been amazing  I'm now at their house being spoilt and in a lovely bubble of denial, drinking tea and watching Pointless.

At the moment it's all so surreal, as if someone might suddenly tell me it was all a big mistake.  Wouldn't that be lovely?